Winner of the competition of "Prettier
Motherland Pages, for a Prettier Sovietnet!"
The
Politburo "Award for Excellence in Socialist Webdesign
in the Youth Collective" is a worldwide recognized symbol
of quality for extremely advanced and progressive websites
in the Sovietnet of the brother countries of the Comecon (Communist
Economies)
My name is John Kerry and I would like to report for duty. Here is my resume for your review.
(We've never had an ethics problem with two Democratic lawyers in the Whitehouse before - why worry now?)
NAME: John F. Kerry
RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington, DC, all worth multimillions.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. (Source: Congressional Record) I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant which I considered unsightly, in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. (Source: Boston Globe)
MILITARY:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and served four months in Vietnam (as documented by the attending doctor). I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming that I and they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Of course I did not report these atrocities when they happened nor did I try to stop them. (Source: My book; Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about the military. I deplore the military!)
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. (Source: Registrar @ Yale University and many national news media) Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I was Lietenant Governor under Michael Dukakis and I ran George McGovern's campaign. I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except that of a gigolo, by marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa. (Source: Every major news media)
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
Name one!
But, as a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability ! to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation.(Source: Congressional Record) I have no plan (well, I have a plan but it's a secret) to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. (Source: Every major news media, based on what he has promised.)
My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million. (Source: Campaign Disclosure Act)
I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe.(Source: US News and World Report, Time) We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I like to blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of the US.
I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, while! Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts. (Source: Boston Globe)
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
Name one thing that I have done in my 20+ years in Congress that is noteworthy PERSONAL I ride a Serotta Bike.* My Gulfstream V Jet, I call The Flying Squirrel.* I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht! The "Scarmouche." * I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture. (Source: Time)
I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems. I also own an Audi but I told the auto workers union I only buy US made vehicles. (Source: Time )
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004
By
warhead 08/29/04 - 4:59 am
to be fair,Heinz has disassociated itself from the Heinz family and politics period. She owns some significant stock,but below the 5% point. I'm glad I figured this out because I do consider Heinz' products ot be of high quality. Looking forward to using Heinz on my soylent green when the revolution reaches its fruition.
By
truth's solder (reserves) 09/17/04 - 5:27 pm
Don't forget, I attack the Evil Bush for allowing the assault rifle ban to expire, allowing weapons to fall into the hands of the counter-revolutionary masses. I have owned one ever since I brought it back as a memento of the glorious communist struggle for socialist freedoms in Viet Nam and/or Cambodia. Of course, it is still banned in MA and DC, but I can fondle it at one of my other dachas in a less progressive provence.
Various versions of "GEORGE W. BUSH RESUME" can be found by searching the internet (ie: Google "george bush resume"). Some are funny, some are serious (with sources sited). The formatted version of text below is found here:
Ran for congress and lost.
Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas, company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using tax-payer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago Cubs.
With fathers help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.
Accomplishments- Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union. Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money. Set record for most executions by any Governor in American history.
Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my fathers appointments to the Supreme Court.
Accomplishments as president--
Attacked and took over two countries.
Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.
Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
First president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in US history.
After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in US history.
Set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips than any other president in US history.
In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in US history.
Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period.
Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in US history.
Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in US history.
Presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
Presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. (http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/marches/)
Dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.
My presidency is the most secretive and un-accountable of any in US history.
Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. (the 'poorest' multi-millionaire, Condoleeza Rice has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
First president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
First president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in US history.
First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the human rights commission.
First president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the elections monitoring board.
Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.
Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
Refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
First president in US history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US elections).
All-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
My biggest life-time campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.
First president in US history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
First president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
First US president to establish a secret shadow government.
Took the biggest world sympathy for the US after 911, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
With a policy of 'dis-engagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
Fist US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
First US president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the US than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated US law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive'.
Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
In the 18 months following the 911 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.
In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the US has ever been since the civil war.
Entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
Records and References
At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
AWOL from National Guard and Deserted the military during a time of war.
Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my fathers library, sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.
All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.
All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public view.
Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and un-available for public review.
For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (They can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)
-------------------
By
Akhmatova 10/04/04 - 10:59 pm
Throwing gasoline on the bonfire of his vanity: Kerry (and Heinz) had a fire hydrant moved in front of their Boston townhouse to open up a more convenient parking space. That particular mini-scandal began in March 1996, when the Boston Globe printed a photo showing Heinz's Jeep Cherokee parked next to a fire hydrant near her five-story brick home at Beacon Hill's Louisburg Square.
A little more than a year later, the couple put in a formal request to the Boston fire department to move the hydrant. Within a week, the district chief went to the site himself and approved the move. After the hydrant was moved around the corner (at the expense of Kerry and Heinz, not taxpayers), Kerry irritated his neighbors by claiming the five new legal parking spaces created by the move. Local real-estate gurus estimated the new spaces would add $200,000 or more to the value of the Heinz-Kerry mansion. Nothing but the best for this Kommissar.
By
John Kerry Marx 10/22/04 - 3:55 pm
John Kerry is the right man for the job. I can't wait until he wins. Finally, capitalism will be gone forever. Long live our revolution. Bush shall be gone forever!
By
blah 10/25/04 - 10:22 pm
Comrade TO BE FAIR, our Resume of Kerry's is based on fact, and we are proud to vote for him based on it. But you bring forth a wimpy argument against Bush? if you believe that, you are incredibly stupid... All of what you said is proven to be utter lies Please do not soil your own reputation. Be a good comrade. We want Bush out 'cuz he knows what he's doing, and Kerry in so we can manipulate his blithering socialism... I hope you come to know the truth.
Sincerily,
Blah D. Menein
By
RICH CAPITALIST PIGGIES 10/28/04 - 9:13 pm
I confess away capitalism and promise I will be a faithful follower of the one and only true form of goverment, communism. And I will honor and support the new regime under Comrade Kerry our hero and the ideal communist! LONG LIVE COMRADE KERRY!
By
Comrade Grammer Maven 11/01/04 - 9:36 am
Comrades, if you wish to insult Mad Dog Bush, we would greatly appreciate it if you would run the one good application to come from the Capitalist Pigdogs:
The Spell Checker.
By
mr. gobble 11/01/04 - 7:24 pm
muwhahahahahahahah
By
Gog Magog and Gulag 4EVER 11/04/04 - 7:20 pm
Kerry only pulled C's at Yale? Gosh, IIIIIIIIIIIII'm smarter than him.
By
Kerryhater 02/21/05 - 5:56 pm
Kerry Is A BIG FAT JERK!!!!!!!!!
By
Comrade Otis 02/21/05 - 11:13 pm
Dear Kerryhater,
I still don't know who the hell Kerry is but the initials B.F.J.!!!!!!!!! rather ring well for a democrat candidate in general. FDR, JFK, LBJ, BFJ. I like it. GO BFJ!!! Nice and generic.
By
Logicical thinker 04/26/05 - 1:26 am
The moron who posted this site implies that Kerry is a communist, yet he repeatedly mentions how much he owns in millions. Hmmm, correct me if I am wrong, but aren't communists against owners of companies??? And why would a millionaire support a system that would strip him of all his assets?? Go back to Jr. High and read political theory 101 or econ 101.
Comrade Logicical thinker!
You are the proof our public school system works! At least it works for us! The Party needs more Logicical thinkers!
The Politbureau
By
COMRADE KERRY 07/24/05 - 1:25 am
COMRADE BUSH HAS WON!!! HA THE CODES WORKED GREAT! POLICE STATE AND INH-73549 HAS WORKED!
By
Supreme Comrade T-Bone 07/26/05 - 6:54 pm
Logicical thinker wrote
The moron who posted this site implies that Kerry is a communist, yet he repeatedly mentions how much he owns in millions. Hmmm, correct me if I am wrong, but aren't communists against owners of companies??? And why would a millionaire support a system that would strip him of all his assets?? Go back to Jr. High and read political theory 101 or econ 101.
Well said Comrade!
You are the Ideal candidate to join us in the communist family you are the perfect "Comrade" in the making. But please understand that in Communism we are all "equal". Equal as in there are merely two groups of "Comrades". There are mere "Comrades" (read, you) and "Supreme Comrades" (read, Joe-Stal, JFKerry Supreme Comrade T-Bone<me>).
The Supreme Comrades are the front men for the revolution, we are the charismatic players who make Communism look cool and apealing.
Sure when the revolution is in full swing your punk-ass will be standing line all day for a single roll of toilet paper; either that or wiping your ass with a shoe or something. But not the SC's (Supreme Comrades). Did you ever hear of my boy Joe-Stal standing in line for Beets? sh*t NO! You'd get shot for even suggesting that. Joe Stal got nothing but the best.
Just remember, in Communism, what's "equal" for you is farming your ass off eighteen hours a day for beets, while "equal" for me is rolling in my Макаров with Joe-Stal and Kerry, eating prime rib and macking on the hunnies.
By
go straight to hell 08/10/05 - 2:50 pm
there's a great song by a band called Brand New. i think i'll share part of it with you:
"I've seen more spine in jellyfish, i've seen more guts in 11-year-old kids. so have another drink and drive yourself home. i hope there's ice on all the roads, and you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt and again when your head goes through the windshield."
the creators of this site as well as the mindless idiots who support Bush on this site reminded me of that song for some reason. if you support our president and his policies so much then go down to your local recruiter and sign yourself up and go die for him.
We've
run into expenses building this site and spreading havoc
on Union Square and beyond. If you like what you see, click
below and donate a buck or two for the revolution!
Komrads who have paid for @CommunistsForKerry.com
email address can sign
in here:
Komrads who want to obtain @CommunistsForKerry.com address click
here
