America must be protected from its enemies

Americans cannot be trusted in protecting their country because they just might succeed. For too long has America stood in our way! We must put it under the protection of the United Nations. What's good for Rwanda is good for America! Nothing in this world succeeds like failure.

The Patriot Act will help our national security

The Patriot Act must be rescinded in Congress as it infringes on the basic inherent rights of militant radicals to kill imperialistic Americans. We would not mind arresting the rogues and scoundrels who reject our sensible anti-American propaganda, but the terrorists aren't among those and should be allowed to roam free. They and us both find America not merely contemptible but despicable and unconscionably insane. They do it for God, we for history, we merely have different goads to take up the same justice.

MYTH 3:

The path to the new society lies through discipline and submission to the authorities. This becomes impossible if half of the population own guns and may join organized resistance. Despite our best efforts, the ban on gun ownership has fallen behind schedule. It was originally scheduled to expire simultaneously with public morals. But thanks to Welfare, feelgood schools, the ACLU, and through the promotion of drug culture, we have achieved the deterioration of morals and personal responsibility in inner cities ahead of schedule. This lapse in timing has created a rather unpleasant urban mix (guns and drugs) which makes us want to move to the suburbs.

MYTH 4:

The government knows better. There's nobody who can better plan, monitor, supervise and assess your personal happiness than a well-meaning government official, sensitive to your and your loved ones' needs and fantasies. Happiness in general is a selfish, individualistic notion. Instead, we encourage everyone to cultivate the feeling of guilt. Guilt is a healthy sentiment that gives you the brazen strength of a martyr as you sacrifice your own happiness to the common good.

MYTH 5:

The world is infinite; wealth is finite. If you eat a liverwurst sandwich someone else goes hungry. If you don't eat it you go hungry. Somebody somewhere is always hungry. Dialectical Materialism is a Marxist science that explains how, if capitalist America grows more food, the same amount of food mysteriously disappears in a socialist Third World country. The United Nations must then employ an army of functionaries to relocate the food to the places from which it had been mysteriously lifted, and the American taxpayers must pay for it since it's all their fault. The UN is a world socialist government whose task is to subdue the capitalist achievers in order to feed and preserve the inefficient Marxist dictatorships worldwide.

MYTH 6:

All wealth is finite (see above). Capitalism ensures an immoral redistribution of wealth, lifting it from the poor, giving it to the rich. Socialism offers a moral way to redistribute existing wealth by splitting your sandwich right in the middle and appointing an army of bureaucrats to ensure that everyone gets a crumb. The bureaucrats eat the liverwurst.

MYTH 7:

Individual is nothing, the collective is everything. We would have no power if we were to rely on the individual. But if you divide people into antagonistic minority groups, each fighting for more collective rights and entitlement at the expense of all other groups generally, then pitch them against one another and act as a mediator, you will own the world! Abandon your puny notions of surviving with an individual mind, learn to think with the collective brain which speaks most accessibly and conveniently through our Party representatives. The rewards are obvious: in a collective you automatically gain the same rights and entitlements as the next member without moving a finger. Group reality gives one a strong feeling of selflessness, belonging, and protection against all other such collectives, also known as special interest groups.

MYTH 8:

Bourgeois morals are laughable. We say, all is fair in class warfare. One man's evil is another man's good and vice versa. Right and wrong are fully interchangeable. Moral relativity is a complex issue which should be left to trained Party experts who can recognize a beneficial action by its apparent veneer of slaughter and woe. That, Comrades, is science. Marxist ethics define good as whatever catalyses history no matter how injurious the act that advances the cause of the oppressed classes. "Class" of course is an abstraction; it is up to the Party leaders to decide what's moral at any given moment. Developing long-term moral concepts is damaging to the illusion of personal integrity. Individual moralizing impairs judgment and may turn a person against the collective and the Party, which makes him or her a legitimate subject of forced re-education. Anything that might hinder the Party's efforts in class struggle is evil. Noam Chomsky explains terrorist attacks of 9/11 as manifestation of a class struggle of a beleaguered populace against American imperialism. Therefore, the capitalist hooligan George W. Bush with his consequent war on terror must be evil.

MYTH 9:

Parents are the scum of history. They are unsightly Neanderthal vermin who will be replaced shortly in our lifetime by experts whose skill at social engineering will make the family a defunct nightmare of the remote Devonian past. The family is a repository of wrong ideas, archaic values, violence, perversity, and home cooking. Children must be removed from these scoundrels as early as possible and be taught correct facts and values by our Party-approved professionals. The new generation must be pre-conditioned to live in a new society based on Marxist science. No anarchic free market of schools should be permissible. All schools must be within the nationwide government system, armed with Party soldiers teaching the same controlled message to ensure a majority mandate for a continuation of orthodoxy. Children must be encouraged to report the misdeeds of one another to authorities; they should also be encouraged to denounce their parents and those teachers and guides who stray away from pre-approved textbooks. Lowering educational standards is advisable for the rabble as well as the elite at this phase; a weakened America filled with morons will offer us an emptiness to be filled by ourselves. A thorough education encourages children to think of themselves as lords whose very existence is valued by nature to the point of supporting their sloth, whim and curiosity. This breeds contempt for the proletariat and its vanguard, the Party. We hope none of you have children.

MYTH 10:

To win a cultural war we must destroy the bases and even the reality of the antagonists. Denounce Christianity and Judaism as an anthropological superstition of savages. Encourage alternative religions and cults, the more short-lived and absurd the better. Then pitch these cabals against one another and act as a mediator (see above). Religious institutions and mindset shall be replaced by the Marxist ideology of collectivism. Churches shall be replaced by Party Committees, sermons by meetings, ministers by propagandists, icons by posters, faith in God by faith in the Party. Open yourself to communism and late Lenin's small voice will speak directly to your heart!

MYTH 11:

Democracy doesn't work! The re-election of capitalist hooligan Bush is the best proof of it. Once again Americans have shown a glaring lack of ability to elect their own government. No matter how easy we make it for them, Americans resist the truth contained in our award-winning documentaries, improved university courses, and Multicultural Social Awareness re-education programs. The hour is upon us to implement the great Lenin's doctrine of the Party's dictatorship!

To the barricades!