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International Coalition of Dead Voters Endorses John Kerry
The International Coalition of Dead Voters has always supported progressive causes, being the most dedicated constituency of the Democratic Party. Consistently voting for the political Left they are playing an increasingly important role in the American democratic process. It is important that this Halloween all dead people of good will, again, take advantage of early voting and cast their vote for John Kerry.
Give the Dead a Living!
John Kerry announced "Give the Dead a Living!" campaign this Halloween day as he paid visit to as many cemeteries in swing states as he could fit into his busy schedule. "When I become president, I will guarantee that Dead-Americans have decent jobs and affordable deathcare!" he said. "We'll work on behalf of this discriminated majority and we'll make sure that every dead vote is counted in Florida and elsewhere in this great nation of ours! I have always maintained consistent views on Dead-American issues!"
"You can't have a situation when the rich live in luxury, while the dead lay in the cold, cold ground," John Edwards added, his voice trembling with indignation and compassion. "The Dead-Americans have the right to be treated equally with the living."
When asked to comment on her husband's new campaign, Teresa Heinz Kerry said, "I like people who are alive, but they are so unsophisticated, and they always get in your way. To be honest, I find living people sort of, like, annoying. I don't blame them, it's just you know, that's life."
The dead are people, too! A dead couple denounces Bush's agenda as it defends their right to marry.
Duke University Announces Decision To Accept Dead Applicants
"It is a logical extension of our affirmative action program," University President says. "We've seen fine examples of dead and partially dead scholars making great contributions to such important branches of science as Gender Studies and Political Linguistics."
George Soros promises to provide financial aid to dead students.
"Global public opinion wants to see more dead people," Soros says. "Especially Jews," his ailing fellow billionaire, Yasser Arafat, added from his death bed.
Make Every Dead Vote Count!
By Laika the Space Dog 10/31/04 - 6:24 am
I have been dead since Novemeber of 1957 and I am planning on voting for Komrad Kerry three times. Once from outer space on a special absentee ballot. Once from my very decadent dacha in Satellite Beach on the Space Coast of Florida, and finally in Pittsburgh with my good friend the Proletarian, where we are invited to a really swinging hipster dog poop on the shoes post election party at the Heinz Mansion in Fox Chapel. Theresa said I am to be a special guest since I first mentioned to John in 1987 to run for president. Caviar and Kibbles anybody?
By Jerry Garcia 10/31/04 - 6:53 am
Screw Bruce Springsteen. I've got Janis, Jimi, Jim, Stevie Ray, Elvis, Buddy Holly, John and George ready to Rock the Dead Vote. We'll be on tour from Halloween to November 2nd, coming to a Democratic Party controlled city graveyard near you. Vote Early! Vote Often!
Jerry Garcia
Ashes in Space
By paul wellstone 10/31/04 - 2:00 pm
its so fun im votin twice!
By Calmypal 10/31/04 - 3:15 pm
Let them march on the polls led by the Zombie King, Michael Jackson, and demand the right to vote!
By Stanly Baldwin 10/31/04 - 6:54 pm
Tote Leute der Stimme!
By agss241 10/31/04 - 7:31 pm
Every deadicated dead voter owes his/her party at least 3
votes for sKerry. Vote early, vote often. Remember, the earlier
you get to the polls, the more time you have to go around and
vote at other precincts!
And if you start really early, you can make it to other states as well.
DRIVE ACROSS AMERICA: VOTE KERRY!!!
STINGING ROSA
By DeadPeople 10/31/04 - 9:42 pm
Dead People are people too!
By Lyndon Baines Johnson 11/01/04 - 7:57 am
Vote fer Kerry? Sho' 'nuff! That's the way Jack did it, that's th' way Ah did it!
By Boris Badinov 11/01/04 - 8:56 am
I see Dead Voters... they don't even know they're dead. They are called DEMOCRAT. (Dead Evicerated Mouldy Old Cadevers Rotting And Tattered)
By agss241 11/01/04 - 10:52 am
Boris Badinov wrote
I see Dead Voters... they don't even know they're dead. They are called DEMOCRAT. (Dead Evicerated Mouldy Old Cadevers Rotting And Tattered)
Love that acronym
By Deadrnadoornail 11/01/04 - 11:03 am
I've been dead since 1953. My first votes as a dead voter were for
Kennedy/Johnson. I voted for Kennedy because I knew I could count
on him and Lyndon-baby to swell the ranks of dead voters transferring
over from the armed forces. Lyndon sure did a swell job for us in SE Asia!
I was overcome with grief when he decided not to run, because I had mapped
out a plan to vote for him 15 times!
Well, I still have that plan around here somewheres, I'll dust it off and hit
the trail for sKerry early tomorrow morning. Vote early, vote often. Get
up and out on the trail before all those annoying funerals start!
By Comrade Hillary 11/01/04 - 11:47 am
Given their common stiffnees and lack of animation, it is only logical for dead people (the REAL silent majority) to vote for Comrades Gore and Kerry.
By A True Uniter 11/01/04 - 11:50 am
The ARE two Americas - the live one and the dead one. Only Komrade Kerry can unite these two Americas by putting out the doormat for our firends in Al Queda.
By Comrade Otis 11/01/04 - 12:40 pm
At the Theresa Heinz-Kerry Hospital for the Insane we have been working frantically. Late at night our dedicated staff has been visiting the cemeteries and morgues of the nation gathering the remains of dear old comrades. We have stitched them together and soon they will be the Kerry cabinet. Really. Open up the cabinet and there they are - just like immortal body of glorious comrade Lenin.
The dead are the vanguard of the revolution now! They will advise comrade Kerry of true course to steer. He will listen - OR ELSE.
The Socialist Revolution is right around the corner! Just you wait.
Comrade Otis
Doctor of Dictatorship
By Comrade Otis 11/01/04 - 1:22 pm
You reactionary bourgeois trolls lurking on this site - you think Bush will win? Over their dead rotting bodies he will!
By Vladimir Bullshiv 11/01/04 - 3:07 pm
I personally have 20 or 30 jars with heads of disenfranchised voters. I personally carry them into the booth and they look at the lever they want, and I pull it. Coincidentally, they all seem to look at the Comrade Kerry/Edwards lever...they just stare, and then I cast their vote. It is the least I can do for the Motherland.
Vote often for the party of your choice - as long as it is the Communist Party.
By deadernadoornail 11/01/04 - 4:41 pm
Comrade Otis wrote
At the Theresa Heinz-Kerry Hospital for the Insane we have been working frantically. Late at night our dedicated staff has been visiting the cemeteries and morgues of the nation gathering the remains of dear old comrades. We have stitched them together and soon they will be the Kerry cabinet. Really. Open up the cabinet and there they are - just like immortal body of glorious comrade Lenin.
The dead are the vanguard of the revolution now! They will advise comrade Kerry of true course to steer. He will listen - OR ELSE.
The Socialist Revolution is right around the corner! Just you wait.
Comrade Otis
Doctor of Dictatorship
You're assuming there will be a need for a Komrade sKerry kabinet.
Well, maybe so since Komrade sKerry's face looks like he's been dead
for years - even after the botox.
By Stalin Fastlane 11/01/04 - 9:52 pm
As your glorious leader who has been dead for some time now, I am oddly conflicted. This whole voting thing stinks. But it is a necessary evil to put Comrade Kerry (ha! I used necessary evil and Comrade Kerry in the same sentence!) in power so there will be no more voting, and then the Soviet Union that everyone thought was dead will live again. The cold war ain't over until the fat babushka sings!
Perhaps we can hear that glorious song about the beauty of Comradette Theresa from Comrade Red Zombie: Living Dead Girl!
By News Flash, This Just In: 11/02/04 - 12:13 am
By UPI, AP, Reuters, CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, Al Jeezera, Sovnet, Pravda, Everybody but Fox:
With 100% of the Dead Vote in at 12:02 AM November 2, 2004, John Kerry has been declared winner with 110% of the ballots cast. This is slightly shy of the 107% cast for Al Gore in 2000, but has shown that the Dead are the Democrats most loyal constituents, going Democrat for last 115 elections. This is a surprise to nobody, including Osama bin-Laden.
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