The Five Point Plan:

Tovarish Kerry has stated that upon this triumphant overtaking of The Red House (presently known as the "White House", in true racist Republican fashion), he will cut the US poverty rate in half.

The first question we must ask: "Is this enough?" and we shall answer with an unanimous and resound "No!!!!" The second question we must ask "Is which half?"

Under our plan, economic injustice will be ended and shameless free-market glut will be sent to where it is needed most - heroic collectives that labor for the good of all with little or no reward.

1. End lavishness
American income tax refunds, stock dividends, inheritances, and other lavishness will be diverted to the U.N. to ensure their even redistribution to all workers of the world by Annan & Sons, an international family venture untainted by American greed and capitalism.

2. Reverse income gap
It is not enough to stop the gap between the standard of living of the porcine merchant class and the selfless factory drudge - we must reverse this injustice! Welfare payments to individuals shall increase each month by a percentage equal to the number of months they have been receiving welfare.

3. Distribute benefits equally
Even if welfare reverses the gap between the two Americas , how can we have an equitable society if one worker receives benefits and another does not? Therefore, each worker with benefits shall be required to adopt a "benefit buddy" - a fellow laborer who does not receive benefits. The two shall share the benefits and make all decisions concerning their use jointly on a 50/50 basis (or 20/20, depending on partisan persuasion; allocations in 60 Minute intervals will become available in due time). Because the "benefit buddy" relies on the worker with benefits for essential services, the worker must have the permission of the "benefit buddy" to quit or change jobs. Benefits which cannot be used simultaneously or split, such as a company car or office supplies, shall be taken away and redistributed to a community pool to be used by party leaders in service of the greater good.

4. Do only the work you like
A rare and beautiful jewel indeed is the experience of having a job perfectly suited to one's skills and abilities, especially in our wasteful and elitist society. Joy, like any desirable commodity, must be equally distributed. Our New Eudemonic Workplace Plan or N.E.W. Plan for short, will allot jobs and salaries to workers based on their enjoyment of them, rather than some abstract proficiency measure. You may have trained to be an office drone, comrade, but perhaps you were meant to be an artist, dancer, lion tamer, astronaut, or neurosurgeon. All will have the opportunity to do what they love, and fit in like a brightly polished cog in our glorious economic machine.

5. Create new jobs
Millions of new jobs will appear in result of a nationwide Idolatrous Construction Project which will also beautify our currently unattractive nation. The plan includes building a colossal round tower that reaches the sky and a series of gigantic pyramids adorned with heads of the people's favorite leaders as an expression of people's love and gratitude for allowing workers and peasants to toil bricks uphill both ways. This project will be funded with money diverted from the wasteful military budget of the Pentagon.