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Our commitment to saving the environment is described in The Tomato Conspiracy, the instant Upper West Side best-seller that has already caused Michael Moore to sue Oliver Stone over the film rights.
These are just some of the facts which we uncovered:
1. It takes approximately 5,000 tomatoes to make one bottle of ketchup. It takes approximately 10,000 tomatoes to make one bottle of EZ Squirt Blastin' Green ketchup.
2. 30 million acres of tomato plants are being brutally decimated every day by evil money-grabbing capitalist ketchup producers so rich Americans can splatter ketchup on their American hamburgers, American hot dogs, and American French fries, which of course is a contradiction of terms. But that is how American capitalists are, they steal the fries from the French, so they can produce more ketchup to splatter everywhere.
This book was an eye-opener. I never knew it takes 10,000 tomatoes to make one bottle of EZ Squirt Blastin' Green ketchup!
Janeane Garafolo, Friend of the Tomato
3. The conditions at the ketchup making sweatshops are abhorrent. No minimum age for harvest has been set by the FDA; as a result, the sensitive young tomato is plucked along with the more mature, hardened plants. All lie together in heap of mangled tomato paste, in the poorly air-conditioned warehouses with no plant food or water, being sadistically tortured by the American capitalist ketchup makers.
4. Because most of the tomatoes are harvested in Florida, the Supreme Court has unanimously held that the Tomato is not covered by the Geneva Conventions.
5. The disenfranchised peasants and serfs are forced off their land and compelled to live in discarded sardine tins and used tires, only to make way for giant ketchup producers.
The Dangerous Side Effects Of Ketchup Production
Florida being the epi-center of tomato growing process, has experienced an increase in hurricanes, due to the tomato eco-system being pillaged and exploited by the American corporations.
The chemical process used to strip tomatoes of their vital nutrients involves such dangerous items as cocaine, uranium and phosphorus, which enter the water supply and effect the ability of the native population to make an appropriate choice on an election ballot.
Deadly Consequences Of The Ketchup Industry
Ketchup corporations repeatedly flout environmental laws and prey on third world countries where natives are either ignorant or unaware of the dangers of ketchup production, since the local diets do not include hamburgers, hot dogs, and French fires.
Only last August this grim reality of ketchup transportation was visited upon the tiny Bangladeshi village of Baluthma.
Janeane Garafolo plays a poor Bangladeshi peasant girl who becomes a ketchup addict in The Tomato Conspiracy: The Movie directed by Michael Moore (or Oliver Stone, depending on how the lawsuit turns out). Either way, the entire cast and production team have already been nominated for the Palme d'Or of this 58th Festival de Cannes a priori.
A massive ketchup tanker crashed while speeding through the village. The tanker was in a hurry to deliver hamburgers and hot dogs to the villagers, in order to get them addicted and hooked.
"After the spill, the terrain looked like a scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre - original, not the mainstream remake," declared Abdul-Al Sam, a local bond trader. "The entire area was a sea of red. The village's crop of potatoes had to be harvested and fried so they could make use of the ketchup spill. The cleanup took months, the villagers became overweight, and the local falafel and pita bread industry was crippled, as people resorted to burgers and fries."
ACLU is considering various lawsuits as a result of the ketchup fiasco.
YOUR DONATION WILL HELP US SAVE THE TOMATO AND THE TOILING PEASANTS FROM THE EVILS OF KETCHUP!
By Berea of the ACLU
You should see what some comrades are trying to do to Taco Bell. They are formenting communist revolution through agitprop for the heroic tomato picking preoletarians.
The evil meat peddling Taco Bell, a buyer of less than 1 percent of the Florida tomato crop, is being boycotted in the interest of raising tomato pickers' wages above that of other heroic agracultural cadres. This is, of course, done in the interest of equality. And Social Justice (TM), and against the proletarian (what, no!) farmers,
Ummm... I'm confused.
By Ockham's Razor
Obviously the capitalist pig tomato growers are venting their subconscious anger on the most communist of vine-ripened goods, the glorious red tomato! We must rally to save them. Destroy every ketchup producer except Heinz!
Ban the salsa...this vastly overrated food product is yet another evil American empire plot to make the world believe that the US is friendly to their latino neighbors. We have long understood that this is simply a capitolist scam to allow their own tomato growers to profit. We must also ban salsa production if we are to save the tomatoes and the Spanish-speaking world. Viva Tomatillos!
By Che Gorilla
March on glorious Revolution!
The vangaurd of Socialist Tomatoes will lead the way. In the name of Socialism we must now liberate the oppressed mustard seeds, the relishes, and all the other downtrodden condiments of the world. Down with the fat, evil, bloated running dogs of capitalism who corrupt the very food we eat.
And why do you THINK they are called "hot dogs"?
Tomatos, of course, are trotskist.
We will get rid of their dangerous deviationism once the Gulag are streamlined.
By Stalin Fastlane
Keep tomatoes Red!
By The Red Sun Rises
The education of the Party is the ONLY TRUE EDUCATION! Capitalist "education" consists of teaching children how to enslave each other and keeping them ignorant of all the Imperalist American government does to trample on them and the whole world! Bush comes out saying "Ride with us or collide with us" like the criminal gangster dog he is! He forces the world to submit to his EVIL agenda of RACISTLY OPPRESSING ARABS AND MUSLIMS! You Capitalist pigs try to hide the truth from the people so they won't realize that they're nothing more than a dollar figure for you pigs!
By Comrade Surgio
The truth marches on in neatly ordered lines! Now, to stone the goats of Heretic Pyrobrian!
By teresa kerry
he married me for the money you know,it sure wasnt for my good looks!
By El Comandante
Only a real revolution can protect the environment, prove of that are the oily rich Havana harbor waters.
Vote or Die = Socialism or death!
(communists for the ethical treatment of tomatoes) We were horrified when we read this article we knew that the capitalist dogs were treating tomatoes badly but we never realized that the captitalists were committing genocide daily. We propose to stop these by seizing the tomatoe processing facilities and executing these capitalist dogs if you support us please send bullets and food.
By The Red Tomato Brigade
The addictive effects of tomatoes on the workers' innocnet female children have been supressed by the Wall Street Warmongers who have long known that, in the words of one running dog capitalist, who said, while puffing on a non-Cuban cigar ignited by a $100 bill, "Tomatoes are the opiate of the misses" To the barricades!
By Komrad D. Ed Kole
As an aspiring revolvonutiary, uur revolushunnary, uuuur revoltinary guy I have to ask if the soon to arrive u-tope-e-uh will require personhoods like me to vacate the suburbs.
Because if I have to abode in the sort of convivial confines one gazes upon when visiting the perimeter of Muscovy and St. Petersburrr --- exxxcuuuse meee; Lemonberg I fear losing the ability to grow my own toe-may-toes. Which I might humbly mention are always shared with those who ask nicely.
Does this make me a bad person?
.....oh no not the tomatos
this is a joke, right?
In response to you inquiry, please note:
You ARE pretty average.
By An Actual Communist
Is this supposed to be relevant to something? I can't tell.
Due to your actual political affiliations, your befuddlement
is quite logical.
By Ivan Groznii
Remember as L. Ron Hubbard said, "Tomatoes are people too".
By The Politburo
The cold sharp decisiveness of the Party and the revolution must be maintained. Comrade Tereza and the KGB front Heinz must be terminated as an example to those les than energetic comrades who do not give the utmost of effort against the running dog aggressors of the capitalist ruling class. All agents are instructed to divest themselves of any interest in Heinz and await further orders as to the future condiment of choice. We can say that Hunts is out of question due to word association with reactionary H.L.Hunt clan.
in hiding somewhere by the Urals